Seeking the Forgiveness of Others
Settle matters quickly with your adversary.
Matthew 5:25
This poignant story of the sinful woman’s devotion to Christ in Luke 7 reveals the gratitude we should feel when we realize that we are forgiven. Nobody had ever treated her like Jesus did, because nobody ever forgave her like Jesus did. She could hardly contain her love for Jesus, because she, who had been forgiven much, loved much. “Whoever has been forgiven little loves little” (Luke 7:47).
Apparently, the degree to which we have been forgiven has some effect on our capacity to love others. Maybe it is the degree to which we understand how much we have been forgiven that affects our capacity to love, since we have all sinned greatly and have been forgiven much. The self-righteous Pharisee had no capacity to love, because he had no sense of his need for forgiveness.
We sought the forgiveness of God and received it at the time of our salvation. According to Jesus, now we need to seek the forgiveness of those whom we have offended. “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23-24). In other words, if we have offended someone, we shouldn’t attempt to worship God if we have not gone to that person first and sought reconciliation.
The text is not suggesting we practice some morbid introspection by trying to determine any and all possible ways we may have offended someone else. It is the work of the Holy Spirit to cause us to “remember,” and it is the offense known by the other party with which we must deal. It doesn’t make any difference if the other person offended us more than we offended them. Our purpose for seeking forgiveness is not to get others to own up to their offense. We have to assume responsibility for our sin.
There are eight essential steps you must take when seeking the forgiveness of others for the purpose of reconciliation. First, identify in your own mind the offense you committed and the attitude behind it. Second, make sure you have already forgiven the person for any wrong on his or her part. Third, think through the precise wording you will use when asking for his or her forgiveness. Label your action as wrong, confess only as much detail as necessary for the offended person to understand, and make no defenses, alibis or excuses.Do not project blame nor confess for another. Your confession should lead to a direct question: “Will you forgive me?”
Fourth, seek the right place and the right time to approach the offended. Fifth, make your quest for reconciliation in person and face to face. If the offense was an immoral indiscretion that could result in legal action, have a responsible third party present. Sixth, make restitution if it is warranted. Seventh, do not document your confession or write a letter. A letter can be easily misread or misunderstood, read by the wrong people, and be kept when it should be destroyed. Finally, if the person refuses to forgive, prayerfully commit your case to your heavenly Father and worship God with a clear conscience. You have done your part.
Questions to Consider:
Why was the sinful woman in Luke 7:36-50 able to express such love for Christ? What is the connection between forgiveness and love?
What is the difference between the conviction brought by the Holy Spirit and our own personal assessment?
What should our ultimate purpose be in seeking forgiveness from others? Why is that only dependent on us and not the other person?
Is there someone from whom you need to seek forgiveness? How should you proceed?
What should you do if the other person doesn’t accept your apology?
Neil T. Anderson is the founder of Freedom in Christ Ministries. He began the ministry in 1989 and continues to spread the message of freedom to this day.