Let the Children Come to Me (Part 5): God Can Change People

As parents, we can and should show our adult children what paths would be beneficial to them.  But we only need to show or say it once or when they ask, and then let God do His work on their heart.  If we nag them, we will push them away.  It’s a tricky situation, so let me tell you a story from my own life to highlight this. 

When our son left for college, he seemed unconcerned about finances. In his first year away, we helped him learn that we were not a cash machine by saying a tough “no.”  After his second year, we bought him a car since he needed to commute to school and his new-found work.  He asked me to help him drive from California to Michigan.  What fun I thought, and it was.  On a whim, I brought some educational financial tapes, and we listened to them in the car.  I made some, but very few comments.  Then the next year, he managed the finances for his off-campus house.  And in his first couple of years working, he had generated a 401(k) account, personal savings, and knew exactly where his finances were to the penny.  Somehow, he had learned to be financially responsible.  Nothing we said or did brought about this change; it was God’s work.  By God’s hand and our faithful gentleness, a bridge was built.  Even years later, we often talk about finances.

But several years before college, I was on the opposite path. I set high expectations for our son and moved them higher and higher as he progressed. This only produced a critical spirit in me, and discouragement in him.  One night he rightly confronted me, and I realized that if I kept trying to make him perform to my standard, our relationship would break down.  With this stark realization, I chose the relationship.

Many times, we get deceived into thinking that we have the ability to change other people’s habits or shape their choices.  There is a huge desire to help them change, even to force them to change for their own good.  But if we take this approach, we have crossed the line of responsibility.  What we are trying to do is change someone’s heart by changing their actions.  But we know this can’t work, for the actions come from the heart just as words do (Matthew 15:10-20).  A common phrase in Freed to Lead by Rod Woods is, “What we do comes from who we are, not the other way around.” They have to desire to change and take responsibility for their own behavior and choices.

So, what do we do? Can we really impact our grown children—or our spouse, siblings, friends?  Yes, as we grow more loving, humble, and godly in our behavior and interactions with them, they will change.  The more we can become part of their social structure in a healthy way, the more our spirit will touch their spirit and help them understand the truth. Attachment theory studies help here...

“Some people worry that the findings of attachment research indicate that our early years create our destiny. In fact, the research shows that relationship with parents can change and as they do the child’s attachment changes. This means that it’s never too late to create positive change in a child’s life.” (Siegel and Hartzell, Attachment, Genes, and Development, Chapter 5).

Creating positive attachments with our children is key if we hope to influence their behavior or see change in their life. As hard as it is, our primary role is to work on ourselves, pursue relationship with them, and model the fruits of the Spirit, especially love, patience, and self-control. As Colossians 3:12-14 says

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another... And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”