Flesh Patterns of Anger
The following conversation between, Matt Massingale, and Dr. Neil Anderson picks up where they left off on their discussion of anger—specifically with flesh patterns, the strongholds we have in our life that were present before we came to Christ. Before diving in, let’s review: we’re following the outline of Ephesians 4 where there are three aspects of anger. Managing your anger today is essentially like managing your thoughts, but you also have flesh patterns that are learned over time. There are also anger wounds where people don’t necessarily get angry… they are angry. For now, we are going to focus on flesh patterns.
Neil Anderson: What people are thinking is what determines how they feel. If what you think does not conform to truth, then what you feel does not conform to reality. That’s why you can look at some people and ask, “Why are you angry??” You see, you don’t know what they’re believing. It really brings up the battle for the mind. If someone is paying attention to a deceiving spirit, I can almost promise you that anger is going to be one side affect of that. How could it not be? People are experiencing those types of struggles all over the world.
Let’s move on. I think there are certain categories of anger that are leftover from the way in which we learn to live. We’re going to put labels on it, but I want you to know, these labels are not you. Paul never defines a believer by their flesh patterns. So when we talk about the angry addict or the exploiter or something else, those are just terms describing the flesh pattern—but it’s not who you are. Scripture is very clear about the fact that all those who are alive in Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh. So you’re dealing with something here that is not only possible, but it is almost assumed that if you really know who you are in Christ—and you have a righteous relationship with Christ—then those flesh patterns will melt away.
Let me start off with what we call: the anger avoider. This is probably the least common category because you simply don’t see it. The only ones they’re hurting is themselves. Now if you asked who I thought in our ministry is one of our greatest saints, I’d say Paul Travis. Now Paul grew up in fundamentalism—some would call it legalism. Over the years, Paul has really discovered the grace of God and helped co-author a book with myself and Rich Miller on overcoming the bondage of legalism called, Grace That Breaks the Chains.
Like everyone, he has a journey. Tragically, while speaking at a church, his wife of many years suddenly died of a massive stroke. And processing that was very difficult for Paul. After this happened, he sought some counseling and was asked this question, “How much anger do you have?” He answered, “None.” The next question was, “You don’t have any anger?” Paul responded with, “No; I don’t have any anger.” Paul was then asked, “Well, how do it make you feel?” I felt hurt, but I don’t have any anger. “Do you ever lose your temper?” No. “How do you feel about others getting anger and losing their temper?” I don’t appreciate it. “How do you feel about Christians getting anger?” I don’t think they should.
Well—I get angry. I don’t have a perpetual anger problem, but that is an emotion that rises up within me. Sometimes it is righteous indignation, and sometimes I just get ticked off! Let’s pick up with Paul’s final response:
Since I’ve acknowledged my emotions and allowed myself to accept how I feel, I’m enjoying so many good feelings of joy. I’ve come to see that when I stuff my bad feelings, I also stuff the good ones. It is so freeing to be myself and experience the joy of walking in who I am in Christ that I can have normal emotions just like Jesus did when He lived upon the earth. I renounce the lie that I have to deny my emotions in order to have self-control. I announce the truth that I am free in Christ to be a real and authentic child of God who experiences the full range of emotions under the liberating power of God. I give myself permission to be angry when appropriate but not sin.
That cuts to the chase.
Matt, let’s hear about the anger exploder.
MM: I have a lot of experience with the anger exploder. Many people who fall into this category may be dominant leaders, highly driven, highly focused, type-A personality, high concentration on task and achieving goals. If you’re highly focused on a task, you can really miss how the people around you feel; they often feel like having to stop and deal with their emotions is blocking their goals. Anger exploders may be strongly motivated by competition. Basically, they want to win at any cost. They make really good business leaders, great athletes, and great coaches. These people are very highly driven and may easily erupt with anger because they frequently carry rage around with them; they’re often stress carriers. If you’ve worked around a stress-carrier, you know that it causes everyone around them to feel their stress.
If you’re an employee, or a spouse, or a child of an anger exploder, you never feel like you can do enough; you feel like they use you. You may look at these people and respect them for what they accomplish, but you don’t necessarily like them.
If the qualities of the anger exploder apply to you, proclaim this today: I confess my impatience and angry outbursts. I renounce the lie that my life is dependent upon control or the manipulation of other people. I choose to believe that nothing or no one can keep me from being the person God has called me to be, and I choose to make no goal more important than loving God and loving people.
NA: Another flesh pattern is the anger addict. This is often off the grid of a lot people’s thinking. There are people out there who just get pumped by anger. It’s an adrenaline rush, and like any addiction, it has to be fed. You have this rush, and you want to get it back. They’re often just looking for a fight.
They’re an interesting group of people. We had a wounded, angry man aboard our ship when I was in the Navy whose whole mission was to just to fight. He looked forward to it, and finally the captain of our ship said, “If you fight anyone on board the ship, I’m going to get you out or the Navy.” Most of us were relieved with that.
Here is what strikes at the heart of it: I confess and renounce seeking the rush of emotion and power that comes from unjustified and unrestrained anger. I choose to strive for self-control under the lordship of Christ and under the power of the Holy Spirit. And I choose to believe that the joy of the Lord is my strength.
Matt, tell me about the anger exploiter.
MM: I had the privilege of working for one of these. Anger Exploiters are much like a child throwing a temper tantrum. They often bully people with their anger and use their anger—or the threat of it—to gain advantage over people. I had a boss that did this in weekly meetings. Every time, he would lose his mind by screaming at people and throwing his clipboard across the room. He would tear up the place. My office was right beside the meeting room, so I could hear the final remarks. And often after the meeting he wasn’t even angry! He’d even say, “Well, that was a good meeting!”
Now, I had vowed to never be controlled by somebody when I was 14 years old. So when I came into contact with this man who was bullying me with his anger, it was like combining gasoline and a blow torch. He backed me into a corner, and it was not good. This is not the type of encounter that you want to have with your boss.
A way to overcome this is by confessing: I renounce using anger or the pretense of anger as a way of manipulating other people to my advantage. I choose to believe that motivating other people should come from love, acceptance, and affirmation rather than fear and intimidation.
NA: That’s very powerful. Learn to love people and use things—not the other way around. Matt, tell us about the next flesh pattern.
MM: These are the dangerous people. Calculating Avengers are defined by calculating, seething, vengeful anger. The problem with this type of personality or flesh type is that you often do not know that they are angry at you. It’s just under the surface, seething, and they never speak to you about it.
Let me give you a biblical example. David’s son, Absalom, had this when his half-brother, Amnon, raped his sister, Tamar. Scripture says that he never said a word to Amnon, good or bad. And Absalom plotted to kill Amnon for two years, but he didn’t kill him. He had someone else do it for him. 2 Samuel 13 tells us that this was Absalom’s express intention ever since the rape. He let his anger seethe and grow for two years, turning into hatred; then he had his half-brother killed. Absalom then ran away for three years, and when he returned home to Jerusalem, his father, David, refused to see him for two years. So he decided to get even and won over the people, convincing them to overthrow his dad.
To overcome being a calculating avenger, affirm this: I renounce seeking revenge and allowing my anger to fester. I choose to let it go and let God be the judge and avenger. I choose to forgive others as God has forgiven me. I commit myself to growing in the grace and knowledge of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in seeking to overcome evil with good.
NA: If they’re the most dangerous, the next one isn’t. That’s The Grump. They’re not the scariest people to live with, but they are one of the most miserable. This is a person who has probably been hurt in the past and is now living as if they have no hope. No matter what happens, they’ll want to tell you what’s wrong; they’re the classic pessimist. It isn’t just that they’re frustrated today though, it’s a constant thing in their life. They know that they can’t change what’s going on in Washington or what’s going on in their job, so they believe they’re just destined to live it out. In one sense, they’ve completely lost hope for what life is, feeling stuck and letting everyone else know just how miserable they are. You may not see that as anger, but there is certainly anger on the inside. The one they probably hate and are disappointed in the most is themselves.
You’ve probably heard me say it before: You can live 40 days without food. You can live 7 days without water, and you can live 3 minutes without air. But you cannot live a moment without hope. There has to be some assurance of future good that is not just wishful thinking. These kinds of people do not see the potential for tomorrow to be better than today, whatsoever.
I would encourage for them to profess: I renounce my grouchy, angry, pessimistic, and hopeless outlook in life. I choose to believe that I serve a God of all hope. I choose to be thankful that I am forgiven, that I have new life in Christ who will meet all my needs according to his riches and that he has prepared a place for me for all of eternity.
MM: Just trying to encourage The Grump can feel nearly impossible—especially if they’ve lived this way for a lengthy amount of time. They just don’t want a good thing to come out of their mouth.
NA: You and I both agree on one thing: they don’t know who they are in Christ. They just don’t really understand the full gospel. I’ve seen a lot of these grumpy people discover the joy of the Lord. So if someone around you is like that, pray for them. Helping them is tough; it really is because they always see the bad side of life and can often be difficult to live with.
Let’s move on to the flesh patter of The Critical Perfectionist. The problem with perfectionism is that it is a law-based way of living. They put these hopeless expectations on themselves, and when they can’t match it, anger often results on themselves. They need to get out of law and get into grace; that’s really at the heart of it! Living under the law is a curse. But we have been forgiven; God loves us! My favorite Proverb says that the righteous fall seven times, but they rise again.
An affirmation for perfectionists is this: I renounce the lie that I have to perform in order to be loved and accepted. I renounce perfectionism and drivenness and the fear of being criticized and not measuring up. I choose to believe that God already loves and accepts me for who I am. Therefore, I choose to accept myself and others the way God has accepted me.
One of the greatest needs that I’ve seen—even for pastors—is affirmation. It’s easy to catch kids doing something wrong but make a concerted effort to catch them doing something good. Then reaffirm that behavior!
The last flesh pattern we are going to discuss is The Passive Aggressive. They need to have a control, but they need to do it in such a way that causes the least amount of vulnerability on their part. This manipulation is often unnoticed by those who are being controlled by it, and it can often become a pride thing for the person being passive aggressive. But it’s really no way to live because it really disrepects the other person.
In the middle of this whole concept of anger that Paul is talking about in Ephesians 4, he says, “Let now unwholesome word proceed out of your mouth except that which give edification according to the need of the moment that you may give grace to the hearer.” The power that we have with our words is incredible. We need to allow God to give us self-control.
If you are a passive aggressive, proclaim this: I renounce using my anger to deceive, manipulate, and control others. I choose to walk in the light, speak the truth in love, and be angry but not sin. I will seek to do unto others as I would have them do unto me.
Anger is a real part of life. It’s an emotion that God gave us. There is a place for righteous indignation. If we never experienced that, we would never right the wrongs that surround us. This is just a part of our humanity that can be used for good or bad. If you want to be angry and not sin, be angry at sin.
Neil T. Anderson is the founder of Freedom in Christ Ministries. He began the ministry in 1989 and continues to spread the message of freedom to this day.