You Are Not Defective
I’m a big animal lover and grew up with lots of pets. One night as a kid, I remember being awakened by my mom’s crying. Our dog, Baby, had died suddenly. Overwhelmed by sadness, I began to cry too. As we stood over Baby’s lifeless body, my stepdad became angry and berated us for being so upset over a dog. Frantic thoughts came to mind: “Am I in trouble? Is it wrong to cry? Is something wrong with me?”
Drawing the wrong conclusions from moments like this, I began to believe a lie that I was defective for feeling anything at all. Shutting down my emotions became a coping mechanism. Crying was not allowed. Expressing strong emotions, especially anger, was not allowed. This denial became so severe that I began to have dissociative episodes, often questioning if I existed at all. I engaged in self-harm as a form of punishment when I slipped up and had some kind of emotional outburst.
When I was about 16, I invited Jesus into my heart. I knew what it meant to be saved, but I didn’t know anything about a relationship with Him. Prayer seemed confusing and pointless, like a task where there was only one right way to do it. Unfortunately, I interpreted Scripture about prayer through a lens of condemnation.
How could I ever share my feelings with God? Am I allowed to cry or get angry? What if I accidentally offended Him by using the “wrong” words? Wouldn’t He strike me with a lightning bolt or something? Tragically deceived about the nature of my Heavenly Father, I perceived Him as reactive and unstable.
Through God’s grace, I started on a journey to freedom and healing. I went to counseling, discovered the truth about my identity, and even went through The Steps to Freedom in Christ. I became more comfortable with certain emotions, but shame still clung to me. God seemed distant.
Then, I experienced a period of intense conflict that drove me to the end of my rope. My old ways of coping became ineffective. In desperation, I decided to be emotionally honest with God for the first time.
In a fit of rage, I threw down my Bible and yelled at Him. I accused Him of abandoning me and told Him I was done. Then, collapsing to the ground, I cried the most glorious tears. No lightning bolt came to strike me. God gave me the grace and space to let it all out.
Shockingly, what happened next was a sense of peace. God wrapped me up in His arms, reassuring me that He still loved me and that I was still His daughter; that He was capable of looking past the surface of my outburst. I was blown away that He really could handle the intensity of all that was pouring out of me. For the first time, I knew Him as Abba Father. There was an incredible sense of intimacy with Him I didn’t know was possible.
In Psalm 18:35-36, David says: “You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great. You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip.” Suddenly, I understood the truth that God was always walking with me, and He had a plan to bring healing. He wasn’t phased by all the anger that I had bottled up for so many years; instead, He walked through it with me. He began healing every self-inflicted scar, meticulously sealing each hole that had been poked through my damaged emotions.
Not only that, but God Himself is capable of a wide range of emotions, and I am created in His image. What could I do except worship Him for being everything that He is? Jesus experienced a wide range of emotions. As Hebrews 4:15 says, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” Jesus can sympathize with my weakness—my anger, fear, and grief.
Nowadays, when I experience painful things, such as when my dog died, I don’t hesitate to come before God with all my big emotions. It’s easy to cry. It’s easy to say exactly what’s coming to mind and not hold back. After all, He is capable of feeling all that I do and more!
I renounce the lie that I am defective for having emotions or needs.
I announce the truth that I am created in the image of God. He invites me to freely share what’s on my heart, and He has promised to meet all my needs in Christ. (Genesis 1:27, Hebrews 4:15-16, Psalm 34:18, Philippians 4:19)