Why should you be confused?
Returning home to America turned out to be much harder than I anticipated.
I left Thailand on a high. Even with the challenges that accompany cross-cultural work, my time in Thailand was filled with rich community and deep personal transformation. After spending 2 years in Thailand teaching missionary kids and ministering to Thai college students, I moved back in with my parents. On top of navigating culture shock, I came back with no clear job or direction. I went from a clear “purpose” and work to nothing (or what felt like nothing). I wrestled with doubt and depression. I missed my friends, my church, Thai food and culture. I felt sad, lost, and unsure of what was next.
It’s been a little over 3 years since then. In that time, I’ve moved to two new cities, worked a few different jobs (including multiple roles at Freedom in Christ!), gotten married, grieved my grandpa’s passing and much more.
I’ve been waiting for the next “big thing” for a while now.
There have been so many times over the past three years that I thought I knew what God was doing only to be let down and confused. In these moments of discouragement, it has been easy to doubt God’s goodness and presence in my life. I’ve wrestled with God and questioned Him over and over. “Why, God? Why? Why would you lead me here, then close the door? Why would my husband have to experience so much job rejection? Why would you lead us to a new city right when we were starting to get “settled” in our current church and community post COVID?”
Like many of us, I so desperately wanted to know what God was doing in my life. I knew that whatever He was doing was ultimately for my good, but that didn’t make it any easier.
In the midst of confusion, Isaiah sheds some light on the character of our God. “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. For as high as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isaiah 55:8-9).
God’s ways are not my ways or your ways. He is operating on a totally different schedule than we are. And yet, God says that His word will never return empty. “But it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it” (Isaiah 55:11). Even though God may do radically different things in and through our lives than what we would plan, He is always accomplishing His purpose. Nothing is wasted; nothing in vain. What a balm this is to our restless hearts!
In 1 Corinthians 2:11, Paul states “for who knows a person’s thoughts except the spirit of that person, which is in him? So also no one comprehends the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God.” This verse tells us that no human being can ever truly understand what God is thinking or doing. This side of heaven, we will never know the intricacies of God’s plan for our life. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I wish God would give me a quick rundown of what’s coming next!
You see, God is outside of time as we know it. “But you must not forget this one thing, dear friends: A day is like a thousand years to the Lord, and a thousand years is like a day. The Lord isn’t really being slow about His promise, as some people think. No, He is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent.” (1 Peter 3:8-9, NLT).
God has significant purpose in what feels like “slowness” in our lives. In those times when the way is unclear and the answers perplexing, we can be certain He is at work. Just a few verses later, Peter says that “our Lord’s patience gives people time to be saved.” (vs. 15).
God’s overarching desire is for all people to be delivered from sin and experience life in Him. Both for those who are Christ-followers and those who aren’t, He wants life, freedom and deliverance from sin’s destructive power wielded by our enemy. And He will use all things to accomplish that purpose: where we live, what we do, etc.
Just the other day, I had a revelation: What if there is purpose in the past 3 years—the seemingly random places I’ve lived, the people I’ve interacted with, the jobs I’ve had? What if, without realizing it, I have contributed to someone’s else salvation, believer and unbeliever alike? Without a doubt, the circumstances of the past 3 years have contributed to my own continued freedom and deliverance!
Today, the overwhelming feeling of confusion is gone. As I’ve wrestled with God, I have heard Him say: “Trust Me. I’ve got this. I’m doing something in you that you can’t see or understand right now. Just keep holding on.” It hasn’t been easy, but I am slowly coming to a place of being okay with not knowing or understanding everything God is doing in my life.
We are not meant to know everything. And that’s the point—we have to trust God!
Friends, God’s purpose is always for your salvation and the salvation of the people around you. Whatever is unclear or uncertain in your life, go to God with it. Tell Him how you feel and let His peace rule your hearts and minds since “God is not a god of confusion but of peace.” (1 Corinthians 14:33). God knows what He is doing. His purpose is always being accomplished, in His timing and in His way.
I’m right here beside you learning to trust Him and enjoy the mystery of walking with God.