The Believer’s Responsibility: Speak Truth in Love
“Get a life,” I muttered.
Jen and I were newly married seniors in college. At 21 years old, it was great to live on campus, have a meal plan, and finish classes by 3 pm!
There was only one glitch—our 18-year-old campus ‘son’ didn’t have good boundaries.
Of course, he wasn’t really our son, but he was at our apartment enough that it felt like it! I was the Resident Assistant on his floor the previous year, and he had attached to me. So, he would visit our apartment three times every day, as early as 7 am and as late as 10 pm!
Not only that, but he kept us on our toes! Late one evening, Jen came out of our bathroom saying, “Dan, there’s something scratching at the bathroom window!” That window was under the carport where our ‘son’ parked his ten-speed bike. Before long, our doorbell rang. Sure enough, it was our ‘son,’ and the first words out of his mouth were, “Hey! I saw the light on in your bathroom, so I scratched at your window, but nobody answered!” 🙄.
One morning, he said to me, “What will I do when you graduate!?!” That’s when I muttered, “Get a life.”
He didn’t come around for a week or two after that.
The problem was not just that he didn’t have good boundaries. I didn’t have good boundaries either, because I wasn’t willing to speak the truth in love. I was pretending and living with falsehood (see Ephesians 4:25). Attempting to be nice (which is not biblical), I didn’t speak the truth. Instead, I allowed the frustrations to build into anger until that anger finally came out sideways in a sinful way (see Ephesians 4:26). Hence my rude and hurtful comment.
Ephesians 4:29 says, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear” (ESV). Some versions use the words ‘unwholesome speech.’ The picture I have is that of throwing rotten fruit at someone, like when we used to have rotten tomato fights in our garden. It stunk and only produced a huge mess!
This is a command. Therefore, what we say to others is something we as believers are responsible to control. Of course, we need the Lord’s help to control our tongue (see James 1:26 and James 3:1-12), but it can be done. We also need to remember that controlling one’s tongue is a natural outflow of dealing with heart issues. Unwholesome speech often stems from deeper stuff going on in our hearts, like if we are looking for security, significance, or acceptance apart from Jesus.
A few verses before this command, the Apostle Paul wrote that we are to “put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” (Ephesians 4:22-24, ESV)
The fact is, as believers, we are new creations in Christ and have exchanged our sin for His righteousness! (See 2 Corinthians 5:17 & 21)
But in the instance above, I was still living according to the old self, the part of me who wanted to please everyone so that they would like me. I found my acceptance and security through the approval of people. But that is an unstable foundation and has many factors outside my control. Paul tells us elsewhere that it even prevents us from serving God (Galatians 1:10).
When I learned to find my acceptance and security in Christ, I could then pay attention to my frustrations. I could speak the truth in love earlier to prevent a build-up of resentment and bitterness, which inevitably came out like I was hurling a rotten tomato.
By preventing a buildup of resentment, I was no longer sinning in my anger and giving the devil a foothold, or place of operation in my life (Eph. 4:27). I was no longer grieving the Holy Spirit (Eph. 4:30) because the regular practice of forgiveness and truth-telling allowed me to be kind and tenderhearted (Eph. 4:32), even when delivering what another person might receive as difficult truth.
Dear Saints, how challenging is it for you to speak the truth in love? Do you find yourself speaking with unwholesome speech or in a way that tears people down? It might be worth examining what’s going on in your heart. Consider asking the Holy Spirit to reveal to you what might be preventing you from speaking the truth in a loving and timely manner. Is it fear, insecurity, shame, etc?
May I encourage you to do the ‘heart-work’ that leads toward speaking “only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that (you) may give grace to those who hear.”
Neil T. Anderson is the founder of Freedom in Christ Ministries. He began the ministry in 1989 and continues to spread the message of freedom to this day.