Responsibilities of the Believer: Seek Wisdom and Understanding
For many years, Jen and I counseled couples who were having marriage problems. One of the main things we taught them was how to make helpful rules so that their time of conflict would not be so destructive.
Two of the more memorable examples:
“I won’t throw anything at his head” (We helped her generalize this from ‘I won’t throw the remote control at his head’).
“I won’t say that she is just like her mother” (This is always a good idea, but especially when her mom was an alcoholic who abandoned the family and left her to take care of the family).
But as we helped others, my wife and I realized that we, too, often had unnecessary conflict because we didn’t really understand each other.
A turning point in our relationship was when we read about reflective listening, which is sometimes called active listening. We have benefitted from this in many ways—the primary one being increasing the health of our marriage!
Active listening is when the listener reflects back to the speaker what they are hearing. The books said that if we weren’t sure how to rephrase the speaker’s thoughts, a beginning step was to repeat word for word what the speaker just said. So, we thought we would try it next time we were communicating.
Sure enough, the opportunity soon arose. Jen made a statement about what she was thinking and feeling. I replied with, “So what I hear you saying is…” and finished the sentence with the exact same words she had just spoken.
And you know what she said in response? “No, that’s not what I mean.”
To be honest with you, it almost broke my brain. But what happened next was amazing.
Jen said, “It sounded different going in my ears than it did coming out my mouth” (I didn’t know such a thing was possible, but it’s true).
So, she rephrased what she was trying to communicate to reflect more accurately how she was feeling. As I listened, though similar, her new sentence did communicate a different thought and feeling from what she had originally said, and it felt much better in our relationship.
I, somewhat skeptically but dutifully, responded with, “So what I hear you saying is…” and finished that sentence with the exact words she had just said.
And you know what her response was? “Yes! That’s what I mean!”
Too often, I assumed I understood her first sentence without clarification. That meant we were unknowingly at odds with one another because I heard something different than what she meant. Once we came to an understanding of what she meant, we could move forward together. But until we sought to understand one another, we were at odds with one another.
As believers, we have a responsibility to understand God’s character, His Word, and His Ways. No one else can learn and seek wisdom for you. Then, we have a responsibility to seek to understand others so that we can either move forward together or respond with grace and truth if we are on different sides of an issue.
“To know wisdom and instruction,
to understand words of insight,
to receive instruction in wise dealing,
in righteousness, justice, and equity:
to give prudence to the simple,
knowledge and discretion to the youth –
Let the wise hear and increase in learning,
and the one who understands obtain guidance…
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge;
fools despise wisdom and instruction.” (Proverbs 1:2-7, ESV).
Notice that whether one is a youth or already wise, we are called to increase in learning. And that learning begins with fearing God. To fear God means to revere Him, to hold Him in awe and the greatest respect. He is the only One who is omnipotent (all-powerful), omniscient (all-knowing), and omnipresent (everywhere).
David charged his son, Solomon, “know the God of your father, and serve him wholeheartedly and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands the intention of every thought.” (1 Chronicles 28:9, CSB)
God understands us and can help us understand Him and others. When we refuse to seek understanding, conflict is more likely to arise (See Luke 9:44-46 for an example of when the disciples were afraid to ask Jesus for clarification and “an argument started”).
But “The one who has knowledge restrains his words, and one who keeps a cool head is a person of understanding.” (Proverbs 17:27, CSB)
Dear Saints, is there an offense creating division or a point of tension in any of your relationships right now? Is there something in your life that you don’t understand and that is causing you to question God?
Maybe the key is to seek to understand God and others before seeking to make yourself understood.