The Believer’s Responsibility: Quick to Listen and Slow to Speak
As a father of one and three-year-old daughters, I was thankful to be able to reunite a father and his daughter. They hadn’t seen one another since he dropped her off for college, and she waited more than 24 hours for him to come to get her.
I met him in the waiting room and unlocked multiple doors as I escorted him back to the community area of the Psychiatric Emergency Department where we held his daughter for safety. But the reunion didn’t go as I anticipated.
The first words out of the dad’s mouth were, “Hey Dummy.”
Honestly, I wanted to use my fist to take back those words and shove them down his throat.
The daughter had checked herself in because she was severely suicidal. She was a delightful, beautiful young lady, but she was having serious thoughts about taking her own life because she wasn’t getting straight A’s at one of the more difficult colleges in our town. The Dad knew exactly why we were holding his daughter, and he drove through the night to pick her up.
So, when the dad greeted her with, ‘Hey Dummy.’ I was shocked.
Proverbs 18:21 says, “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” (NIV)
This father was ‘eating the fruit’ of his words. He was picking up his precious, beautiful, intelligent daughter from a psychiatric ER because she didn’t see herself as valuable if she wasn’t getting straight A’s. All she wanted to do was please her Daddy. He wasn’t aware of how damaging his words were to her.
I’m sure he was stressed about the situation. But our stress or life situation are not an excuse to allow our emotions free reign over our treatment of others.
When we get into tense situations that make us angry or anxious, our body’s natural chemicals course through our brains. If it is intense enough, it’s called ‘Flooding’ and that brain chemistry process can literally shut down our ability to communicate clearly (this is the reason one spouse will often get quiet during conflict). The Gottman Institute defines Flooding as, “A sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed during conflict, making it virtually impossible to have a productive, problem-solving discussion.”
Now, we don’t want to ignore our emotions! They are a powerful driver of many behaviors, especially when we are not aware that they are operating below the surface. But too often, we have learned destructive ways of handling our negative emotions, or we’ve built up a pattern of trying to quickly rid ourselves of negative feelings, often at the expense of those closest to us.
Emotions are helpful as an early warning system. They let us know that something in our life needs to be addressed. They can help us address issues earlier than we normally would so that we don’t reach the ‘Flooding’ stage, or so that we don’t say or do something we later regret.
Our emotions and resulting actions can also help us understand what we truly believe. “Our emotions and actions revealwhat we believe. People don’t always live according to what they profess, but they do live according to what they believe” (Neil T. Anderson, Managing Your Anger, p. 25).
This is why the words of Jesus’ brother James are so important. “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (James 1:19-20, NIV)
When we listen, we gain perspective and understand the other person’s viewpoint. When we are slow to anger, it gives our minds and emotions time to ‘cool down.’ Our brains can literally come back to a state of clear thinking so that we can assess and respond biblically with grace and truth, with gentleness and strength. When we are determined to forgive those who hurt and offend us, anger doesn’t have as much power over us.
Of course, Jesus showed us a perfect example of this in Mark chapter 11.
It was the day of the Triumphal Entry. People were throwing their cloaks on the ground so Jesus could ride over them on the donkey. They were shouting his praises and giving him glory as the Savior. Mark 11:11 says, “Jesus entered Jerusalem and went into the temple courts. He looked around at everything, but since it was already late, he went out to Bethany with the Twelve” (NIV).
The setting was emotionally charged already, and then Jesus went into the temple and observed the corruption of the religious authorities taking advantage of the people they were supposed to be serving. We see from the evidence the following day that this situation made Him angry. But he didn’t act right away. He was quick to observe (listen), slow to speak, and slow to become angry. What do you want to bet that the next morning, Jesus followed his normal practice of praying to be unified with His Father’s will? “Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” (Luke 5:16, NIV).
Dear Saints, are you quick to listen, or quick to speak? Do you spend time with the Father discussing your anger or other emotions so that you know what they are telling you and can live out the righteousness God desires? Or do your emotions get the best of you and drive you to mistreat others, so you can feel better?
I encourage you to follow Jesus’ example in emotionally charged situations. Be quick to listen, learn, and seek God’s wisdom for your situation. Then, speak clearly. In this way, we can play a role in promoting God’s righteousness and even enjoy the fruit of that righteousness. It’s worth the work.
Neil T. Anderson is the founder of Freedom in Christ Ministries. He began the ministry in 1989 and continues to spread the message of freedom to this day.