Is Anyone Truly Listening?
"Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry." - James 1:19
The stats about our relational skills are startling. A 2019 Cigna health study of over 20,000 U.S. Adults reports that “nearly half of Americans report sometimes or always feeling alone or left out. Only half of Americans have daily meaningful in-person social interactions, such as having an extended conversation with a friend or spending quality time with family.”
Dr. Heather Holleman, associate professor at Penn State and a Christian writer, imagines her students' thoughts follow the same lines: "I'm isolated with no good relationships; I don't have people to talk to; I don't have meaningful conversations. My health is suffering as a result.” Dr. Holleman's teenage daughter shared that out of a school of 2,500 students, only one person asked her personal questions.
On the other hand, have you ever gently tried to stop someone who habitually overshares in a group? Have you ever been the culprit? I looked around a small discussion group I was facilitating the other day as each person was asked to share about a mentor they had in their life. One individual was on their phone. Another was writing down prayer requests on the bulletin. Sometimes I wonder: is anyone truly listening?
But if we want to walk the Jesus way, we must be quick to listen, and we need to learn the skill of asking good questions. Pastor Craig Groeschel writes, “Asking questions isn’t a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of wisdom.” And there was no one better at this than the master Himself! Throughout the Gospels, Jesus was always asking people questions. He had a few different reasons for this.
Jesus asked questions to gain knowledge and understanding. He asked a man lying by a pool, “Would you like to get well?” We might ask others who we are taking through our ministry tool, The Steps to Freedom in Christ, “What would you like to see God do in our time together?”
Jesus asked questions to help others grow and gain insight. Jesus asked Simon a simple question after telling a parable of two debtors who were forgiven of their debt, “So which of them will love him more?” (Luke 7:42) to draw His attention to a woman whose costly act of sacrifice and service through anointing Jesus with costly perfume would never be forgotten. We might sit in silence before the Lord with someone struggling to forgive and ask, "Jesus, would you please show…. The goodness of Your heart when this thing happened.”
Jesus asked follow-up questions to dig deeper. In the same exchange in Luke 7, Jesus asked a follow-up question, "Do you see this woman?” (Luke 7:44). His focus on her again drove home the larger truth that those who are forgiven much love much.
Here are some ways we might ask good questions:
Tell me more!
Why?
What else?
That sounds like a 9 out of 10 on the pain scale (then pause to listen).
Hey, there’s something special about your prayer life (or another quality you admire, etc.). Can you tell me the part of your story that got you here?
Asking questions shows that we are interested in the other person; we are curious to know more.
Curiosity is a sign of both humility and wisdom because we begin with a listening posture toward God and then extend that same posture to others. Curiosity and humility toward God bring a promise. Proverbs 8:32 NLT says, “And so, my children, listen to me, for all who follow my ways are joyful.”
When God is heard, He is valued. And when your child, co-worker, ministry partner, or small group participant feels heard, they will feel too!
Try asking someone a good question today and notice the results.