Do you HEAR, what I Hear?
Do you HEAR, what I hear?
The Power of Empathetic Understanding
I was listening to an individual (we’ll call her Tabatha) expressing her deep frustration with her mother. Tabatha communicated her hopelessness in a future healthy relationship with her mother because of her mother’s approach to communication. Her mother relentlessly nagged, criticized her daughter’s ways of performing tasks, and regularly critiqued her character and personality. It was apparent her mother was verbally abusive. Tabatha began to grow angry, bitter, and rebellious toward her mother. Tabatha felt powerless in pleasing her mother, or even relating to her in a way that didn’t cause destruction.
I don’t know about you, but I have felt that way before; I have felt attacked, minimized, devalued, and misunderstood several times in my life. I understand why she felt hopeless about the future of her relationship with her mom.
After listening to Tabatha, I asked her what she felt she could do—what was her responsibility in this relationship? We discussed ways she could behaviorally manage the situation, but I really wanted Tabatha to ask the Lord to help her LISTEN to her mother.
Tabatha responded, “What?! Listen to more abusive, cutting language? Allow myself to be hurt more?”
“No,” I said, “Listen as God listens to us. Listen to her heart.”
Listening to the heart obviously is not about receiving sound waves in our ears. Deuteronomy 6:4-5 says, “Hear O Israel, the LORD is our God, the LORD is one, and as for you, you shall love the LORD your God with all of your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.” Here the Bible uses the Hebrew word, shema, which means to hear and pay attention to. When Leah—who wasn’t loved by her husband Jacob—has a son, she names him Simon, or in Hebrew, Shim’on. Because, she says, “The LORD has shema that I am unloved” (Genesis 29:33).
I asked Tabatha about her mother. What were her mother’s struggles? How does she feel about the circumstances in her life? How do you think she feels about herself…truly? It didn’t take long for us to dig deeper into what her mother might be experiencing in her inner world. Maybe her mother was saying with her heart: “Do you value me? I am worried you don’t understand me and value my perspective. Am I important to you? I hope you appreciate my opinions because you are important to me. Do you love me? I don’t feel very lovable and am worried you won’t love me either.”
Learning to look past the behavior of others and hear their heart’s cry for significance, acceptance, security, and love is the work of grace and the Holy Spirit. God hears our hearts; can we hear others’ hearts? I believe we can. But only if we are secure in our own identity in Christ and first feel heard and understood by Jesus. Then, we can follow in His footsteps and listen to others.
Shema can also mean responding to what you hear. This is why so many of the cries for help in the book of Psalms begin with a call that God listen. Psalm 27:7: “Shema my voice, when I call O LORD, be merciful, answer me.” So, asking God to shema is at the same time asking God to act, to do something.
As Tabatha grew in her identity in Christ, she was able to hear her mother’s cry for love despite the audible words she said. Tabatha began responding to her mother as Christ would through the power of the Holy Spirit.
When it comes to young generations, are we, as adults, really listening to the heart’s cry of the young generations? Are we asking the Lord to help us pay close attention to what they are expressing? Or are we just focusing on their outward behaviors? As someone who is deeply called to reach out to young people, I would urge all of us to be grounded in our own identity in Christ, so we can listen to the hearts of teens and young adults.
Listening like Jesus to what young people are saying and asking with their hearts (regardless of their outward behavior) requires grace, empathy and understanding. It's important to note that we do not need to approve, agree, or join them in their words or behaviors, but we are called to simply go into the deep with them—to listen to their heart’s cry for belonging, value and purpose. We can attune our hearts to theirs by expressing: “I see you. I hear you. I understand how hard this must be for you. I am honored to walk alongside you in this journey.” Note, I did not say, “I will fix you. I have the answers you need. You don’t even understand the problem. Be quiet while I tell you what you need.” Christ does the restoration, not us.
Real listening is a selfless investment into another person without an agenda. I find most of the effort required is submitting wholly to Christ and depending on the Holy Spirit to transform hearts and minds.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says, “Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He’s the one who will keep you on track.” Let’s prayerfully ask the Lord to help us slow down and deeply listen to others. Ask Him to create an awareness of others’ heart cries so we may respond in grace, empathy, and love. We all want to be heard—let's listen as He does!
Check out the GenFree website for information, resources, and upcoming training events focused on helping young people experience freedom in Christ!